Category Archives: parental ponderings

It was beautiful outside yesterday, so I took the girls to the park. While I was sitting watching the girls, I started to hear two moms about fifteen feet away start escalating in volume in their conversation.

One of the moms was a bit older, pushing a stroller and with several other children coming and going. The other mom was younger, with a toddler about two years old on her hip.

“If you believe…” was the phrase that drew my attention to their conversation. The older mom was getting more emphatic. “The Bible clearly teaches that if you discipline your son, you save his soul from hell. SAVE. HIS. SOUL. You must discipline him.”

The younger mom was apologetic, and speaking more softly. “He hasn’t… we haven’t decided…”

The older mom continued her citing of Proverbs, and the younger one tried to graciously withdraw from the conversation. After a minute or two, she walked away, and the older mom called out after her, “You think about that! It was nice to meet you, Stacey!” Then she turned to one of her older children and said, “some people just need a little help.”

I saw no blood. I heard no crying. I have no idea what a two-year-old could have done to provoke a stranger to give his mother such a tongue-lashing.

There’s a quote that’s all over pinterest: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” It’s probably misattributed to Plato, but it’s a good sentiment.

The child you see misbehaving in public might have severe special needs. He may be a foster child recently placed. It may be the very worst day of his life. His mother may be suffering. Maybe she is grieving the loss of a parent, struggling with depression, lonely, abused or mistreated.

Perhaps that misbehaving stranger’s child bit your kid, or hit her, or pulled her hair. If there is no permanent damage, no need to visit a doctor, how should you respond?

I believe the older mother thought she was blessing the younger mother with her sage advice. From all indications, she was satisfied, even proud, of the interaction.

How much more could she have blessed her with kindness? A gentle word of forgiveness, an act of compassion, could have thrown this younger mother a lifeline. “It’s okay, I’ve been there, too.”

I presumed that these two women were friends, so I did not intervene. When I realized they were strangers, I started to go after the younger mother, but she was moving quickly towards her car. I wish I had stopped her and given her a hug.

The love of Christ compels us to love others. Using scripture as a weapon isn’t loving, it’s generally ineffective, and at it’s worst, borders on spiritual abuse.

By God’s grace, we can do better. Be kind, y’all. And keep reminding me to be kind, too.

We had a chance to participate in a few conversations this weekend on Christianity and culture, kingdom-building and parenting (and the intersections therein.) Thanks to Leigh for making it happen: it is always fruitful to have space, time and ideas to spur thoughtfulness and I am hoping these conversations continue.

One thing that struck me again is that so much of life, from the practical to philosophy and theology, is about holding two seemingly opposing ideas in tension.

Mercy and justice. Law and grace. Liberty and responsibility.

Sometimes we luck out, and the pendulum finds itself at rest between two extremes without much effort on our parts. Other times we have to fight to correct our inclination to one extreme or the other, and push ourselves towards the balance.

We know, both Biblically and sociologically, that our kids need a sense of mission to make faith real and lasting. Jesus died on the cross for more than just forgiveness of sin and making us feel better. He is making things new. He cares about this world. He wants us to care too.

If we neglect kingdom-building, we truncate our children’s view of the gospel and make Christianity smaller and less meaningful in their eyes, or even end up promoting an anti-gospel where the purpose of life is happiness and security.

However, we can take this sense of mission too far in the other direction. Our children are a particular gift and responsibility from God. We have a limited amount of time to be with them. If we spend all of that making them feel like they are always second to mission, they will grow to resent it.

There is a middle way, of inviting them to be on mission with us, while leaving plenty of space for childhood, for play, for unhurried time to build that relationship. May we love others boldly and lose our lives for Christ’s sake and his kingdom. May we love our children well and guide them so that they always remember who they are, beloved children of their parents and of God.

I’ve watched the Elf on the Shelf trend for several years, and I am going to come out and say it: I just don’t get the popularity among Christian families.

Doing something every day (even for a season) makes it a pretty big deal. An elf that reports in to Santa and plays tricks around your house? What message is that sending?

We don’t do Santa. There are lots of reasons, but primarily because gifts are not the focus of our Christmas celebration. However, I can see how Santa could be a fun part of a Christian family’s Christmas without taking it over. Santa could bring one special gift. You don’t have to emphasize the naughty and nice element. This is certainly an area where freedom abounds.

I’ve said before, and will say again for clarity’s sake, it would be weird if all a family’s traditions were religious in nature and had deep theological meaning. It’s good to have fun traditions and family culture. I am not knocking that at all.

But Christmas is about incarnation. God in flesh, who came to dwell with us. It’s an amazing picture of grace.

How does the elf on a shelf fit into an incarnational Christmas celebration? God doesn’t keep a naughty list. He knows how sin easily entangles us. I want my children to know God’s holiness and to strive to follow Jesus in obedience. But I also want them to know that God wants repentant hearts more than compliant exteriors. Jesus came to call sinners, not the righteous.

The things that we spend the most time and energy on during Advent and Christmas are going to be things that draw us to this great story of incarnation. The hope and longing for a rescuer, then the joy at His appearing.

That’s not to say that we won’t watch Frosty or drive around looking at lights or do a myriad of other things that are not Christ-centered. But none of those things are daily, central parts of our celebration.

Maybe I’m wrong and your elf is gracious and kind and brings your child a Jesse Tree story every morning. Feel free to share if you’ve figured out a way to reconcile the elf to your Christmas celebration. I’ve just spent several years a little mystified watching this trend explode.

Parenting is often a school of humility.

Just when you’ve found the perfect strategy or product or idea, something changes, and it doesn’t work any more. You have to try something new. Maybe even swallow your pride and do that thing you swore you’d never do.

Mothering in particular can feel like management, as we seek to control daily chaos. The trouble is that children are people, not problems to be solved. And people are dynamic. They change, the problem changes, everything feels askew.

Love, that ever fixed mark, compels us to go beyond. Sometimes it calls us to find another fixed mark, to figure out what we really want for our kids that circumstances cannot change. The sort of lofty idea that is hard to quantify or assess daily, like doing justice, loving mercy and walking humbly with their God.

Frankly that can be a little bit scary. Having children who eat vegetables is the sort of goal you might really reach and know you have, and there is a sense of accomplishment in that. But I hope to find a much greater joy at the end of this journey.