Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity by Lauren Winner

I hadn’t even finished the preface to Real Sex before I breathed a sigh of relief and thanksgiving that someone had finally written this book. Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity is a book that has been needed for quite some time, and Lauren Winner was up to the task. I read and thoroughly enjoyed her first two books (Girl Meets God and Mudhouse Sabbath) and am glad that she used her gifts at bringing the theological, historical, sociological and personal together in a compelling way on the subject of chastity.

Books about chastity have been written before. I was an older teenager when I Kissed Dating Goodbye hit the market in the midst of the True Love Waits craze. Both the book and movement served a purpose in their time and were particularly encouraging to teens, but failed at addressing the issues of singleness and chastity beyond the high school years. Real Sex is an intelligent and honest look beyond the surface at the issues of chastity. Winner comes to the conclusions that Scripture clearly provides, but with thoughtfulness, evidence, anecdotes and research that go beyond the proof-texting that has plagued the genre.

Real Sex is brutally honest about sexuality. Winner speaks about the communal aspect of sex, how it goes beyond the two involved partners and why the church should be in the business of talking about sex. As many of my friends are still single and others are in serious relationships, I was particularly convicted about my responsibility to talk frankly about sex with them, as awkward as it feels in our culture. I loved the section of the book where Winner exposes lies that the world and the church tell about sex. Lies such as the falsehood that sex can be seperated from procreation, that premarital sex will always make you feel bad, and that lingering gnostic belief that the sexual desires our bodies feel ae wrong. She also addresses at length how chastity is a spiritual discipline that all Christians are called to practice.

Though the book is well grounded theologically and philosophically, Winner weaves in pastoral and personal narratives that show her understanding of the struggles readers face and provides for areas of application. She tackles the proverbial question Christians ask about physical intimacy (“how far is too far?”) in the most satisfactory way I have encountered. She also addresses hot button issues such as lifelong celibacy, modesty, p0rn0gr4phy* and m4sturbat1on.

I was most surprised and encouraged by how much of Real Sex was relevant to me personally as a married woman. Real sex is sex within the union of marriage, and Winner is right to follow the example of the Apostle Paul in framing her thoughts on chastity around this central notion. She argues that real sex is the sex that happens in the midst of the routines and rhythms of everyday life, when dinner is cooking, bills are being paid or while you can hear the footsteps of your children going to the bathroom. Real sex is possible because of the shared life we have together, the way that we laugh and talk and cry and debate.

Real Sex by Lauren Winner is a must read for college students and singles in their twenties and beyond, but also encouraging and profitable to those who are thinking about the purpose of sex within marriage or about issues regarding chastity as parents. The book is 175 pages, an appropriate length to get readers thinking without trying to be a systematic ethic of chastity (which have been written before.) The bibliography and notes also provide a good backbone for further reading on the material Winner addresses for those who are interested in pursuing these issues further. I can’t recommend Real Sex for young teens, but for those with some exposure to the issues of sexuality, I can’t think of another book I’d recommend more highly.

*for the sake of web crawlers, some spellings have been altered