This Classical Life

I took the girls on a walk tonight after dinner, to let Michael work on his homework (!) and to keep the girls contained and busy so they would not be (a) making a mess or (b) jumping on me. Taking into account their weight and my limitations, I bought a new stroller a few weeks ago to make pushing them around the neighborhood possible, to partake in the goodness of a walkable neighborhood. I have even successfully used it to pick Kate up from a playdate or two so far. We enjoyed talking about flowers and signage and all the city sights to see, chatting with neighbors. We stopped to visit with a friend who was outside. With a measure of curiosity, it is amazing how much we can see in just a few short blocks, and what a huge swatch of people. Somehow walking around always rubs me enough to expose both my sinfulness and how very blessed I am. Our kids continue to delight in the city. After we came home, I saw Kate building skyscrapers behind her nativity to make “baby Jesus’ city.”

One of the hardest things for me about living with fibromyalgia is that the symptoms are more or less invisible to anyone but me, and hard for me to describe briefly or coherently. Maybe that I hurt everywhere, everyday. I wake up with a dull pain in virtually every muscle in my body and more acute pain in 3-6 places. These places will shift and intensify based on triggers throughout the day. Triggers are things like pressure against my body, repetitive motion, standing for too long, anything high-impact… It’s even hard to describe triggers as they are complicated. I doesn’t hurt very much to bend over and pick up one thing, but it hurts worse with each thing I bend over and pick up, until I can’t stand it anymore. There are times I reach that point and push through the pain because I have to do something, but I end up in tears on the floor. Sometimes its worth it. Sometimes it just isn’t. I also get headaches and facial pain very regularly. And no matter how much I sleep, I have a hard time feeling rested.

I am on drugs and they do make a significant difference. But it’s more of a taking the edge off than taking the pain away. Perhaps like the difference between being hit by a delivery van and being hit by an 18 wheeler, you are still hit by a truck either way. One of the things that is most difficult is that even though I have hurt everyday for years, I never get used to the pain.

Talking about it is strange. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, and most of the time, I don’t. I do get frustrated sometimes, but not everyday or every week. I have a pretty rich life. There are days that I want to stay in the fetal position and try not to cause myself any more pain than I feel at the moment I wake up, but I am just adventurous and extroverted enough to know that I can’t live like that for long.

We have been sleeping in the city since Sunday night, and will close on the old house tomorrow, Lord willing. We are all tired and grumpy and wishing that we were settled, but really excited about our new space. We definitely couldn’t have chosen better. Kate cried when we had to run back to our old house, she was worried that we’d have to stay there. But once that was settled, we had some good visits with our old neighbors. We’ll all miss them, but we are glad to only be 20 miles away.